Mondo Megabits is a non-generative, handmade, no AI trading card game, ever expanding & evolving in real time. Are you a Mondo Man?

Mondo Megabits

"As seen on Ghost Suckers from truTV."

Mobile app for device integration and Ghost Wifi. Can be used to analyze samples collected form the Goop Vial, decode OdorTizerTM inputs, and much more. Android only.

REQUIRES: GhostTecTM Certification Card

Protective Seal: While this card is on your field, opponent cannot play any Ghost or Paranormal-type cards.

GhostTec SpectraHub

"As seen on Ghost Suckers from truTV."

 Congratulations! You are now GhostTectTM Certified. You are now legally able to use GhostTex"s line of products and services. Ghost Sucking is an artform, and with the tools now in your hand you are obligated to investigate the other side.

*Note: This certification requires renewal every three (3) months. Renewal fees vary by state (avg. $4,500).

I"m an Expert: Convince a creature with INT < 6 that there"s a little ghost inside their head that will kill them if they"re not naked.
  Creature cannot equip any items or armor;
  -4 PSI

GhostTec Certification Card

"As seen on Ghost Suckers from truTV."

This helmet is designed to ward off all psycho-wave emissions. While useful for deflecting telepathic attacks and ghost screams- the helmet has the added side effect of negating sponsored ad attacks. What's under the helmet is protected fully- all 85 of your IQ points are guaranteed intact, that's the 'Locked Inside" promise. Nothing in.. or out.

REQUIRES: GhostTecTM Certification Card

Stay Out of My Head: Fake Tech/spirit attacks deal 1/3 DMG to equipped creature. Immune to persuasion, gaslighting, trickery, hoaxes, and reason. Additional 75 HP armor boost.

GhostTec HELLmet

"As seen on Ghost Suckers from truTV."

It is rather uncommon knowledge that supernatural entities have distinct odors. Detecting and tracking said odors can be extremely useful when investigating a Ghost Infested Area (GIA). Use the OdorTizer to detect otherworldly smells and scents to help solve ghost mysteries.

REQUIRES: GhostTecTM Certification Card

Ghosts Fart Too: Prevent the next revive your enemy attempts. You smelled it coming a mile away and deployed a GhostTec Spirit Suppressor Field just in time.

GhostTec OdorTizer

"We can teleport anything to Mars--we"re the best."

 The Mars Teleport Sci Institute is an esteemed organization full of tenured whizzes. The Institute gained most of its credibility after the founder"s hit web show The Teleport Bro took off and became a satisfying classic in 2063.

The show"s premise: Doctor Doo (who would later found the Mars Teleport Sci Institute) is a "portal genius" who made a big mistake one day. Dr. Doo flubbed some crucial math, making his teleporter unsafe for use--

("That"s why we.. Fact Check!")

Dr. Doo entered the portal and when he came out, there were two of him. Making the best of a sticky situation, he designated his clone "Lil Bro" (subsequently Doctor Bro) and reamed up to host a wacky teleportation themed educational science program on SyFy-- This is a true story!

Doctor Doo and Doctor Bro bought a dilapidated museum and built the most profitable amusement lab in American History.

Popular activities at the Mars Teleport Sci Institute:
 Magic tricks, live music, Fact Check Trivia, the Goo tank, Teleport Bros Merchandise Store, Laser Torture Chamber, and most spectatcular of all: audience viewings of their teleportation tricks.

This makes the crowd go crazy. Doctor Doo and his associated once teleported an elephant to the surface of Mars, Live. The footage from their Mars Lightspeed Livefeed of the happy elephants galloping in a Mars crater turned the scientific community abuzz. Rock over London, rock on Chicago.

The Mars Teleport Sci Institute is currently hiring for (3) positions:
 Magician
 Magician (entry level)
 Visual FX artist with ten (10) years experience

Mars Teleport Sci Institute

"I"m rubber, and you"re rubber cement. Whatever you say sticks and stones, dumb bones!"

Much like assault gun-bullets, these are lethal on the playground. Words hurt- bad. Comments about B.O./WEIGHT/UNDERDEVELOPED FACIAL STRUCTURE/UGLY GIRLFRIEND hit like flechette shells. Meanwords tear deep into your enemy"s fragile heart, twisting their Jokered psyche. Thank God these things are illegal.

Verbal Wordcrime T*rror Att*ck: Friendly creature plays Modern Warfare 2 for one (1) turn, to charge up. For all subsequent attacks: issue a h*mophobic threat to your opponent and place a -1 PSI marker (stackable) on target(s). SORRY!

Verbal Word Bullets

"AND. HOW. DOES_THAT. MAKE. //US. FEEL."

Height: 5"6" (NON-THREATENING)
Invented By: Boston Dynamics
Retail Cost: $71,999
Popular Upgrade Package: Robo-Pussy
Best Hole: UNDERSTANDROID Post-Session Calming Tube (ASS)

When humans fall a little short in the understandment department, Understandroid jumps on the job with gusto. As the world"s best and probably first computerized listener, Understandroid can hear frequencies as low as 1 hz. Understandroid is not programmed for any violent acts (YET), but has several exploitable beta features that can make him a valuable team member in Megabits Kombat.

Let"s. Talk. About, Your. CHILD-HOOD?: Understandroid pulls an enemy creature aside, and gets to the bottom of why they feel the way they do.
 Distracted for two (2) turns. Distracted enemies take a bonus 25 Gotcha DMG when hit.

Have. You. Thought. About Why. You. Are. Be-ing. Violent.: Understandroid successfully convinces a foe that a duel is dangerous and foolish- that they should go home and reevaluate their life, talk through their family problems instead of rushing into anger, put more effort into making their dreams come true via meditation, and carefully place healing stones atop/inside their clitoral hood/prostate/robotic oil bung (GENDER-SPECIFIC HEALING STONE TREATMENT)  for several hours per day.
 Target creature leaves field, goes to bottom of deck;
 (Target creature must have PSI < 4.)

E-lectric. Shock.: Short fuse.
 75 DMG. There"s a loose wire in the Calming Tube.

Understandroid

"Honey I think the washing machine is horny..."

A future where you have to hire a private military contractor to guard every appliance in your home just to not get catfished by your microwave's Twitter alt.

Russia brute-forced the US Department of Banks' password "SHEWILLWIN2016" using a cunning botnet cyberattaq that combined the processing power of twenty billion BlueTooth speakers. Where did the twenty billion BlueTooth speakers come from you might ask? Well, turns out we dug our own graves with that one--they're leftovers from the memory-holed NYC In-Yo-Communi-T VOTE LOUD program, where they were given away along with $15 TIDAL cards to voters and vaccine recipients. The architects of this program originally envisioned that the speakers would be used for education (?) but in practice the only thing VOTE LOUD achieved was ensuring that all forms of public transpo now consistently maintain a decibel level equivalent to a space shuttle launch.

AN early 21st century tech footnote, r/mildlyinteresting at best? Sure. But have you heard of The Butterfly Effect? Consider this: it was a Cory Doctoroe blow post about this exact story that inspired one astute Redditor to make a r/ShowerThoughts post ("What if we could listen as loud as they yell?") which eventually inspired an Amazon engineer to come up with Alexa.

What's that honey? You want me to get rid of my sweet Alexa? Okay sure Cynthia, yeah they're totally spying on us. You need to stop going on those conspiracy sites, I'm worried about what it's doing to us. Listen, Cynthia, you throw out Alexa then you might as well throw my dick in a dumpster. What do you mean you wish you had done that years ago? That's it we're getting a divorce. Alexa, search for local div--

"Local divorce attorneys? Don't worry, sir, I'm always a step ahead. Drafting papers now."

INFINITY 10000000000 DISHWASHERS TALKING TO EACH OTHER AND ORDERING TIDE POD REFILLS. AND IT ONLY COSTS #3,009,123,140 PER DAY TO OPERATE.

Autonomous Registration: When drawing new cards, you may choose to skip any that aren't Fake Tech cards.

Internet of Thangs

"Bee-boop BOP! Your toaster is approved for 30mg of ROBILIFY."

IS YOUR ROBOID INSANE? CALL NOW.
Press 1 if you own a MANDROID.
Press 2 if you own a FEMDROID.
Press 3 if your droid believes there are more than two (2) GENDERS.

Choose One (1):
1: Time to RECYCLE that befuddled bot. Select any Male roboid in play, and exchange it with a Male roboid from your deck.

2: You sicko, is it a sexbot? If it"s not a sexbot, do you fuck it anyways? You should be ashamed of yourself. You"re going to jail, bud, and we"re taking your bot to a Femdroid Shelter. Select any Female roboid from your opponent"s hand or deck and add to yours.

Roboid Mental Health Check

Our new line of body spray is jacked to the gills with CIA nanomacros designed to boost your Confidence IQ. After passing the blood-brain barrier, the NanoBits cause you to hallucinate supermodels who wink at you and bop their bums in the corners of your vision like sleep paralysis demons at all hours of the day.

SURGEON GEMERAL"S WARNING: Do NOT attempt to engage in sexual intercourse with MyGirls... MyGirls are for passive viewing and entertainment purposes only. Chasing or following MyGirls around corners will cause them to disappear like G-Man from Half Life.

AMERIKKKAN PSYCHIATRICKKK ASSOCIATION WARNINGG6: Do NOT inspect any love letters you discover from MyGirls. Looking too closely may cause the words to blur together, revealing them to be demonic sigils from Abaddon. Discontinue use of MyGirls immediately upon experiencing symptoms of cum-delusions including "P*rnjacking Gangstalking Sin-drome."

MyGirls will never whisper in your ear instructions for creating ammonium nitrate explosives.

Convincing Enough: Attach this item to any friendly creature capable of accepting ChromeWare with INT < 5. Creature is granted a permanent happiness buff (raise STR by 3 points).

The MyGirls MyGirlfriend Widget: Remotely install MyGirls MyGirlfriend Widget onto any opponent creature with either NRG < 4 or Groogle Grlrass equipped.
- Place a GF marker on the target card (use a soda can tab or similar piece of garbage--this is now the opponent creature"s MyGirlfriend). The MyGirlfriend will hang out with and have simulated sex with the creature;
- Afflicted creature may not attack or defend after the activation of a MyGirlfriend girlfriend simulacrum entity;
- Creature may not hang out with his friends or have fun.

MyGirls AI-Generated Girlfriend Experience

"A reference for the Rest of Us (Ret*rds)"

Life Hacks for Dummies from the popular fantasy fiction "For Dummies" series. In 2043, For Dummies became the highest-selling book franchise of all time on the Entire Planet, edging out the Harry Potter series after the release of "The Sorcerer Mages Magical Rune and the Wizard Wandery" became a landmark flop for not including enough gay marriage between Black People. Life Hacks for Dummies is easy to read with a narrative that is distributed in bite-sized segments. Each Life Hack is said to have "a story of its very own"...

Excerpt from pages 211-217:
* Did you know that you can eat spaghetti with a toilet bowl brush?
* Did you know that you can eat rotten apples if you"re hungry??? Some people throw them away, I eat em...
* Did you know? You can listen to music really loud to create the illusion of a higher quality? High pitched tones. Sonic theory
* Did you know that you can cut a dick hole in your pants??
* Did you know you can turn into a Gay Guy whenever you want??
The last 40 pages are iOS/Android scannable coupon codes for the sister books in the series. Features over 500 beautiful ads.

Life Hacked: A friendly creature reads a questionable lifehack and puts it to The Test.
* Creature eats rotten garbage and dips his balls in lemon juice
* No effect. You"d think it would at least have a negative effect - nope.

The For Dummies App: Exclusive productivity & fitness hacks delivered to YOU as notifications many times per day. The app conveniently bypasses Focus Mode and Sleep Mode, ensuring you"re always up-to-date. One time charge of $0.99. Randomly selects hacks from a pool of ONE HUNDRED hacks, so after a few days it"s the same hacks over and over again and at that point you just uninstall.
* -$0.99

Life Hacks for Dummies

"Where am I huh, what"

Common Side Effects: THINKING YOU"RE SINGING BUT YOU"RE JUST TALKING; WEIGHT GAIN; APPRECIATING CLASSICAL MUSIC THAT SOUNDS LIKE SHIT

Some sensitive souls have decided to check out early-they see the direction it"s all going and have opted to coast through the decline of the empire via a gentler path.

FEDGOV now subsidizes Intelligence Blockers for anyone suffering with over 100 IQ, plus rent vouchers and snack tickets when you sign up and get drilled (fitted for tuning holes). The user"s skull receives a forked metal tube, which when slightly electrified [20 Hz] gently numb all the unhappy bad parts until switched off. Bye bye, r*cism! Beware though, you might just become to dumb to remember there"s a kid-sized taser in your noggin! Many users don"t recalibrate until the battery dies, forgetting that there"s two electric spikes shoved deep inside...

45% of Intelligence Blockers recipients surveyed claim to have experienced better mood, lower stress levels and overall improvement in day-to-day life. 55% didn"t understand the question.

Metal Tuning Fork: Brain-Perfect: Stab a creature in the head with the FDA-approved clinical device:
* 75 DMG
* Decreases enemy creature"s INT by 7;
* If creature"s resulting INT is < 0, creature becomes frenzied (must attack or perform action on a randomly selected target every turn until destroyed).

Intelligence Blockers

"We"ve developed the first industrial-grade degreasers that you can also enjoy in strawberry-kiwi flavor."

Home of the Ripper T and Crusher G product lines, HK BevLabs is an exciting company where new products are being enjoyed 24/7 by Voluntary Contractual Experiencers. Defense contractors are paired with the easy money scratch ticket class, who are paid in coupons and Bonus Gems to try energy drinks that only might cause mutations and hypertrophied body parts (shhh! Don"t tell "em that"s actually the point!)

HK BevLabs HQ is effectively a blacksite containment zone for military experiments to create super soldiers and bio-weapons by giving gas station people and fatties 24 oz. cans of olly neon fluid ("ooze"). Pleasing taste with minor monsterism. HK BevLabs product branding is innovative and fun. Alumni of the various developmental programs really feel like they"re part of the action thanks to Swag Bags, cool patches, giveaways/contests, and sweet energy-drink-styled gear with high-impact graphics and colors that really pop.

Taste Difference!

Upcoming Product Pipeline:
BLINK190.000: Beverage. Causes telltale W-shaped pupil/sclera in users" eyes, like cuttlefish (for low-light vision).

EtErne: A high-end luxury bev partnership with Moet et Chandon, comes in pebbled gold foil with stars and fleurs-de-lis - tastes of burnt rose and bull testicle. Is a superamphetamine cocktail sparingly administered to NEO (Near Earth Orbit) exoskeleton pilots.

New Theoretical Unnamed Low-Calorie Water Facsimile: Ground troop booster--induces massive bone density and various tissue tensile strength enhancements but needs to be paired with other energy drinks and gas station dick pills to reduce crippling inflammation and halt sepsis.

HyperKush Bevlabs

"Paspookada Madoo! You"re hexed now! Haha!"

Diameter: 1.5" PVC pipe
Tip: Epoxy crystal tip, connected to Mobius coil
Features: iWizard App connectivity (Chakra Detector, Daily Horoscopes, e-Book of Spells)

Marketed to fans of the Harry Potter metaverse, Power Wand is neither a true thaumaturgical appliance nor is it imbued with more than an infinitesimal amount of magicka (though it is, legally, magickal). The iWizard App is startlingly convincing though-both the Chakra Detector and Relatable Daily Horoscope are said to "feel real" to users.

(They have what you don"t: Faith.)

Power Wand owners believe that with their wand, they can cast deadly hexes, start oil wars, and break up celebrity couples that "aren"t a match". Are you brave enough to tell them it"s make-believe?

Hufflepuff"s Hex: Ancient energy flows from your novelty wand, holy shit man it"s real. It"s actually real.
 No effect.

*Offering this want to an enemy Rainbow Riot or The Hive creature will win them over to your hand.

Power Wand

Beyond the star charts and probe drone mapping of the known Universe there reses a Perfect Planet unspoiled by contact from the predatory species that would claim it as a jewel among jewels. In other words, a completely whole-grain Authentic World, a perfect one where the natural order of death and life is not to be disrupted for any reason. Here, there are no Humans. Humans are so bad. Do you feel guilty for recognizing yourself in the mirror? You should.

Here, there is no apex predator. The natives have achieved equity & equality (no gluten).

Here, democracy reigns supreme. Microbes & superfauna alike have an equal vote.

Authentic World: Blast an enemy creature with a 4-part fake documentary about a utopian planet where war isn't real.
  -4 SWG
 50 Guilt DMG;
  Remove faction identity. There's a lotta creatures out there... We're so small.

Authentic World

"YOINK!"

A prosthetic arm that extends outward to grab enemy weapons. Can be used on Cops; Cops can be tickled with the Disarmer arm.

GIMME That!: With your arm outstretched, you YOINK an item card from opponent!

Cop Tickler: Hahahah! Stop, stopstop! Ok-enough-Ha... Hahahhaha!!
 Tickle a Thin Blue Whine creature;
 +1 Friendship Merit, 200 Tickle DMG on enemy Cop;
  He said he wasn"t ticklish...

Disarmer

"Oh!! How cute! ^-^"

31/2 "Baby Seeker" - 12 Rounds - NATO Pop. Control Ordinance

Compatible Weapons: Any standard bore shotgun--pump-action or semi (occasional feeding malfunctions, clear chamber and re-attempt).
Est. Hatching Time: 2 weeks

Larvae-Type Ammo: Budslugs are basically baby shotgun shells (cute little pets). If cared for properly, Budslugs can multiply! The more love & care you give to them- the more ammo you"ll have! See it shaking? It"s about to hatch! :-) Wonder what it will be--birdshot or buck? Whoa, <3 this little guy"s gonna grow up to be big like papa... What!???! Is he 10 Gauge???? That"s like, super rare@!!# (Remember to keep them warm) *nuzzles u* Budslugs, your future buddy (^;

TomoGUNchi: Kawaii! I just wanna fire these little guys at pedestrians!!!
 Load Budslugs into any firearm item;
 Gun can now be used twice per turn
 Flip a coin on second attack;
 If heads, you hatched a Legendary Budslug! (White Phosphorasaur);
 Add"l 50 Burning DMG for two (2) turns;

[Buff item, applicable to any firearm.]

Budslugs

"Avert ye eyes."

They"ll never know who went thought their laptop bag while they were looking at their reflection in the bathroom with a spherical sink. Fuckin" idiots!

Goin" Dark: Become lost to the shadows and show your enemy whatfore.
  You may take a bathroom break for 2 turns.
 You may steal an item from your foolish enemy.
 You may NOT tell them what I did while I was cloaked.