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Mondo Megabits

"Honey I think the washing machine is horny..."

A future where you have to hire a private military contractor to guard every appliance in your home just to not get catfished by your microwave's Twitter alt.

Russia brute-forced the US Department of Banks' password "SHEWILLWIN2016" using a cunning botnet cyberattaq that combined the processing power of twenty billion BlueTooth speakers. Where did the twenty billion BlueTooth speakers come from you might ask? Well, turns out we dug our own graves with that one--they're leftovers from the memory-holed NYC In-Yo-Communi-T VOTE LOUD program, where they were given away along with $15 TIDAL cards to voters and vaccine recipients. The architects of this program originally envisioned that the speakers would be used for education (?) but in practice the only thing VOTE LOUD achieved was ensuring that all forms of public transpo now consistently maintain a decibel level equivalent to a space shuttle launch.

AN early 21st century tech footnote, r/mildlyinteresting at best? Sure. But have you heard of The Butterfly Effect? Consider this: it was a Cory Doctoroe blow post about this exact story that inspired one astute Redditor to make a r/ShowerThoughts post ("What if we could listen as loud as they yell?") which eventually inspired an Amazon engineer to come up with Alexa.

What's that honey? You want me to get rid of my sweet Alexa? Okay sure Cynthia, yeah they're totally spying on us. You need to stop going on those conspiracy sites, I'm worried about what it's doing to us. Listen, Cynthia, you throw out Alexa then you might as well throw my dick in a dumpster. What do you mean you wish you had done that years ago? That's it we're getting a divorce. Alexa, search for local div--

"Local divorce attorneys? Don't worry, sir, I'm always a step ahead. Drafting papers now."

INFINITY 10000000000 DISHWASHERS TALKING TO EACH OTHER AND ORDERING TIDE POD REFILLS. AND IT ONLY COSTS #3,009,123,140 PER DAY TO OPERATE.

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