oshi

A lot has happened these past few years. Some things beautiful, most things painful, but all of it necessary. 

I"ve given much thought to the words I want to say here and if there are any that could possibly convey what I feel. For a long time it felt nearly impossible to find any words. I had to go through hell and back before learning how to navigate the turbulence of my sea of emotions. On that journey I found that creation was always my compass. Then my son was born, and he became my reason to stay. 

Almost all of my life has been spent creating things to be my anchor. It"s my way of making sense of a world that feels alien to me, to process my experiences and to connect with people. Connecting has always been the thing I"ve desired most, and in my immaturity I sacrificed a lot of myself to have it. From my mind and my body, to my time, integrity and emotions.     
I lost many things in my pursuit of a connection, hurting myself and others in the process. A scared kid pretending to know everything. 

My childhood is where I stayed.

I wrote those words in the summer of 2017 during a period of severely exploitive label deals, poor management, a terrible break up and my own narcissistic and toxic self-destructive behavior destroying everything around me. 

My childhood was where I went to escape, reminiscing on the beauty and ignorance of being oblivious. And for a while it was safe. 

But life went on and I had abandoned those words and sentiment for years, blind to how important they really were. When I eventually found my way back to them, they had embodied a completely new and much more emotional meaning. They were no longer a door, but a mirror instead.

And when my son began his own childhood, that changed everything. 

The love of my life, our greatest creation and the most perfect gift from god. He gives me reason and resolve, the connection I"ve so desperately craved my entire life, a chance to break the cycle of pain that has plagued my life since I was his age. 

Still, nothing comes without hardship. 

I spent a long time fighting to know him, to be with him and to love him with everything I had in me at the time. But for reasons controllable and uncontrollable I was an ocean away from him for what felt like a lifetime. Logistics, lies and love lost orbited what was meant to be completely beautiful and so it seemed to be the end of the world, another failure of my own doing. But the love he filled me with didn"t allow me to quit.

No matter what the obstacle was, or whatever opposing force I encountered, I found my way back to him. Being in the presence of my gift from god has taught me how to truly grow up, and now the beauty of his childhood is my duty to maintain and a second chance at healing from mine. 

This is for you, Mateo. Thank you. 