27 times: the heartcode

5/8/2022

1095 days  
156 weeks  
36 months 
3 years

whos counting anymore? 

everyday for 3 years i wake up and know two things: im closer to dying and youre already dead. 

its been 3 years since ive consciously felt alive. like really living a life: a-live.

its been three years since the man who brought me into this world left by his own decision and i barely believe i've aged a day since.

just inched closer to dying. 

thats grief: a dusty veil, a pestering cloud, a lost will, a broken clock.

time slows down when youre grieving. but it moves too fast when youre living. some moments, smiles, long kisses, hugs, glasses of wine  make me wish i could stop time. 

stop time. all ive wanted for three years was to go back in time or speed it up, so i thought, literally anything but stop.

i didnt think it would be possible to find my way back to a life worth living; to waking up so in love, life and time are precious again. 

three years is a long time, but tomorrow it will be longer; but longer after that, and longer still. 

so tomorrow i will wake up and know only two things: im closer to dying and youre already dead.

it suddenly feels wrong to consciously deny feeling alive. like really living a life: being  a-live.

i don't love or miss you any less, but more through the will enough for both of us to try.